Here are a few excerpts from my new play: Rantings of a Dead Chameleon. It's about a depressed player. If you're interested in reading the full play, feel free to email me.
JACK
(smiling and jumpy, a bit drunkenly)
Okay, okay…stop moving! Okay…for this exercise this man over here is going to represent your thought processes and the woman over there is going to represent this fine young lady’s thought processes…just for posterity’s sake. We’ll call the man representing Mike’s mind Steve, and the woman representing the brunette’s mind Susan. Annnnnnd…go!
MIKE
Uhhhh…hi.
STEVE
Don’t look at her breasts, don’t look at her breasts, don’t look at her breast…crap! I looked at her breasts!
SUSAN
Did he just look at my breasts?
STEVE
Well what do you want from me?! They’re just hanging out there for the whole world to see!
SUSAN
Pig!
JACK
Hey! No interacting with each other! You’re not psychics damn it!
STEVE AND SUSAN TOGETHER
Sorry.
MIKE
So…ah…how are you doing?
BRUNETTE
I’m okay.
SUSAN
God I hope my tampon didn’t fall out! (STEVE winces) And I am so tired right now, why did I even bother coming out? (exasperated sigh) I just need a couple shots and someone to dance with!
BRUNETTE
(smiling)
How are you?
MIKE
Oh, I’m pretty good.
STEVE
Motherfucking cunt balls I’m nervous. God, she’s soo gorgeous. What am I even going to say to her? Think of something funny to say…uhhhh fuck!
MIKE
So you ah…come here often?
STEVE
Oh God, real original. Why can’t I ever come up with something original and funny to say?
JACK
(tiredly again)
Stop worrying about it. It really doesn’t matter what you say to her. It’s how you say it.
SUSAN
Wow, this guy is sooo awkward. I wonder if he has a nice ass…
BRUNETTE
Ummm…no, I don’t come here that often. I’m usually too busy working.
STEVE
Crap! What do I say now?! Okay she has to work so…
MIKE
Where do you work?
STEVE
Okay, awesome. Ball’s in her court.
JACK
I cannot believe you just though that.
SUSAN
He wants to know where I work? God! Why does everyone define me by my job?! My job is so boring! I hate it so much!
BRUNETTE
I’m an accountant.
MIKE
Oh that’s cool.
STEVE
Crap crap crap! What am I gonna say about that?! Stop looking at her boobs!
SUSAN
Why would he think that’s cool? What could possibly be cool about being an accountant? And why does he keep staring at my breasts? Is that the only reason he’s talking to me?
STEVE
Should I make a joke or something? Maybe I should make a joke. Girls like jokes right? Okay think of something funny…think of something funny…
MIKE
Wow, an accountant. You must crunch alotta numbers, huh?
STEVE
Wait, what did I just say?! I didn’t mean that! Take it back! There are take backs right?!
SUSAN
Crunch alotta numbers?! What the hell does that even mean?! Tell me what the hell that means!!
STEVE
I don’t know what it means! It just came out!
SUSAN
STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!
STEVE
I CAN’T HELP IT! THEY’RE LIKE TWO RIPE MELONS GLISTENING IN THE NIGHT SKY!
SUSAN
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!!
STEVE
I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!!!
SUSAN
I HAVE TO GET OUTTA HERE!
BRUNETTE
(politely)
Oh, I think I see my friends over there. It was nice talking to you.
MIKE
Oh, um, yeah, you too.
STEVE
WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LOVE ME?!!
SUSAN
BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING FREAK!
BRUNETTE walks away. Both STAGEHANDS are out of breath from screaming. JACK is staring at scene blankly, then finally takes a drink.
JACK
(nodding)
That went well.
SUSAN
God, I’m so tired.
STEVE
Yeah, me too. You wanna go get a drink?
SUSAN
(nodding, smiling, still out of breath)
Yeah, sure. That’d be cool.
Both STAGEHANDS walk to bar. MIKE stares at JACK expectantly. JACK looks from STAGEHANDS to MIKE.
JACK
(motioning to stagehands)
See! It really is that easy! (starts chuckling, turns into a desperate chuckle)
***
WILL
What happened with that cute girl you were dating?
JACK
I was…it wasn’t working.
MIKE
Aw man…you had someone? And you dumped her?
JACK
(a little more drunkenly)
No…no I did not…not dump her…because that would mean we were actually…in a relationship…which we weren’t.
WILL
And why the hell didn’t it work out? You prick.
JACK
(staring into space for a moment)
You want the nice answer or the asshole answer?
MIKE
Ohhh no…I don’t think I wanna hear this. Tell me the nice answer.
JACK
(beat, noticing he’s getting drunk)
Well…I rushed into it…and I thought I liked her more than I did.
MIKE
Oh…well that’s not so bad.
WILL
Yeah? And what’s the asshole answer?
JACK
(shaking his head, takes a drink)
I thought I could be happy with an A cup. I was wrong.
MIKE
What?! Oh my God!
WILL
Goddamn it Jack. You really just piss me off sometimes.
MIKE
So wait, what did you tell her?
JACK takes a drink, gets up, motions hand over, cute STAGEHAND sprints over excitedly. JACK looks deep into her eyes with a sad expression, holding her hand.
JACK
(taking deep breath for anticipation)
Listen. You’re a great girl and I don’t wanna lie to you. You can call me an asshole if you want but I…I can’t do this anymore. I thought I was ready, but I’m always comparing you to her and when we’re making love, I’m a thousand miles away. And that’s not fair to you. I know you think I’m this great guy, but…I’m not. I just…I feel like I’m just using you. I’m sorry. I hope we can still be friends.
STAGEHAND nods understandingly and smiles.
WILL
You are so full of shit.
JACK
(sighs exasperatedly, drops STAGEHAND’S hand)
Okay, look. You’re really cute and all, but to be honest, I need me some breastmeat. Y’know, boobies. Jugs. Melons. Hooters. Funbags. Tig ol’ bitties. I thought I didn’t need them…but I do. I really really do. And no, I don’t know why, but if I did, I would tell you, and then I’d go write an article and make millions. I just love lookin’ at them, and squeezin’ them, and feelin’ them, and carressin’ them and suckin’ them and lickin’ them and pinchin’ them and even slappin’ them if the occasion calls for it. Okay? I need to live in hill country and you’re the flat fields. I’m sorry…but I need boobs. What? You think I didn’t try? Oh, I tried, believe me I tried. But I have a picky penis, I realize that now. I tell my penis, “C’mon lil’ buddy! She’s cute, she’s got great legs, a nice ass, and there’s an open door right fuckin’ there.” But my penis is an asshole. He says, “Sorry Jack, but I don’t get outta bed for anything less than a C.”
STAGEHAND looks shocked, slaps him across the face, and runs off about to cry. JACK goes back to seat.
***
JACK
(shaking head slowly, blank stare, no smile)
I’m not depressed. I’m a white, middle class male living in the United States. I’m fairly good looking, I have a nice job, and I’m probably going to fuck some blonde chick with a nice rack by the end of the week. I am…definitely…not…depressed. (takes a long drink)
WILL stares at JACK for a second, then shakes head as he laughs quietly to himself.
BECKY
(taken aback)
Jack, I can’t believe you talk like that!
WILL
You know what you are? Just a regular WGWP. A white guy with problems. Don’t have to worry about getting’ beat up by any gangs, or getting’ raped, or dyin’ in a war, or starvin’ to death on the streets or just getting’ the basic needs, but still…(smiling) you got problems. Wow man, it must be so hard to be you. (gritting teeth) Got the whole fuckin’ world on your shoulders!
WILL
What happened with that cute girl you were dating?
JACK
I was…it wasn’t working.
MIKE
Aw man…you had someone? And you dumped her?
JACK
(a little more drunkenly)
No…no I did not…not dump her…because that would mean we were actually…in a relationship…which we weren’t.
WILL
And why the hell didn’t it work out? You prick.
JACK
(staring into space for a moment)
You want the nice answer or the asshole answer?
MIKE
Ohhh no…I don’t think I wanna hear this. Tell me the nice answer.
JACK
(beat, noticing he’s getting drunk)
Well…I rushed into it…and I thought I liked her more than I did.
MIKE
Oh…well that’s not so bad.
WILL
Yeah? And what’s the asshole answer?
JACK
(shaking his head, takes a drink)
I thought I could be happy with an A cup. I was wrong.
MIKE
What?! Oh my God!
WILL
Goddamn it Jack. You really just piss me off sometimes.
MIKE
So wait, what did you tell her?
JACK takes a drink, gets up, motions hand over, cute STAGEHAND sprints over excitedly. JACK looks deep into her eyes with a sad expression, holding her hand.
JACK
(taking deep breath for anticipation)
Listen. You’re a great girl and I don’t wanna lie to you. You can call me an asshole if you want but I…I can’t do this anymore. I thought I was ready, but I’m always comparing you to her and when we’re making love, I’m a thousand miles away. And that’s not fair to you. I know you think I’m this great guy, but…I’m not. I just…I feel like I’m just using you. I’m sorry. I hope we can still be friends.
STAGEHAND nods understandingly and smiles.
WILL
You are so full of shit.
JACK
(sighs exasperatedly, drops STAGEHAND’S hand)
Okay, look. You’re really cute and all, but to be honest, I need me some breastmeat. Y’know, boobies. Jugs. Melons. Hooters. Funbags. Tig ol’ bitties. I thought I didn’t need them…but I do. I really really do. And no, I don’t know why, but if I did, I would tell you, and then I’d go write an article and make millions. I just love lookin’ at them, and squeezin’ them, and feelin’ them, and carressin’ them and suckin’ them and lickin’ them and pinchin’ them and even slappin’ them if the occasion calls for it. Okay? I need to live in hill country and you’re the flat fields. I’m sorry…but I need boobs. What? You think I didn’t try? Oh, I tried, believe me I tried. But I have a picky penis, I realize that now. I tell my penis, “C’mon lil’ buddy! She’s cute, she’s got great legs, a nice ass, and there’s an open door right fuckin’ there.” But my penis is an asshole. He says, “Sorry Jack, but I don’t get outta bed for anything less than a C.”
STAGEHAND looks shocked, slaps him across the face, and runs off about to cry. JACK goes back to seat.
***
JACK
(shaking head slowly, blank stare, no smile)
I’m not depressed. I’m a white, middle class male living in the United States. I’m fairly good looking, I have a nice job, and I’m probably going to fuck some blonde chick with a nice rack by the end of the week. I am…definitely…not…depressed. (takes a long drink)
WILL stares at JACK for a second, then shakes head as he laughs quietly to himself.
BECKY
(taken aback)
Jack, I can’t believe you talk like that!
WILL
You know what you are? Just a regular WGWP. A white guy with problems. Don’t have to worry about getting’ beat up by any gangs, or getting’ raped, or dyin’ in a war, or starvin’ to death on the streets or just getting’ the basic needs, but still…(smiling) you got problems. Wow man, it must be so hard to be you. (gritting teeth) Got the whole fuckin’ world on your shoulders!
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