A narrator walks to the middle of the stage.
NARRATOR
Once upon a time there lived a prince who wanted to marry a real princess. He traveled the world and found many a fair damsel, but knew not which ones were real and which ones were not. One stormy night, there came a knock on the door of the castle. The king answered himself and found to his surprise a fair damsel in a terrible way. She claimed to be a real princess, but how were they to know? The Queen mother had a grand idea. She went into the bedroom in where the princess was to stay, took off the bed sheets, placed a pea upon the mattress, then layered the bed with twenty mattresses and twenty quilts. “We shall see in the morning,” said the Queen mother, “whether or not this princess is true.”
The NARATOR exits the stage. The curtains rise to reveal a royal dining room where the KING and QUEEN are eating breakfast.
KING
(in a jovial mood)
Well my queen, wasn’t that a horrible storm last night? I could barely hear myself snore!
QUEEN
(looking up at the ceiling every so often as if trying to see to the second floor)
Well, I could hear you snoring just fine, so I dare say you couldn’t have lost that much sleep over it. I do wonder how that girl is doing, though. She seemed rather odd to me.
KING
Oh come now! You’re suspicious of every girl that passes through. I thought she was a rather charming girl.
PARIS HILTON walks into the dining room with a disheveled look about her.
PARIS
(yawning heavily)
OMG! I am like…so starving right now…you wouldn’t even believe it.
KING
(jovially, motioning to the servants to bring her food)
Come! Come! Sit down! Eat! Tell us, my good lady, how did you sleep last night? Was the bed comfy enough to suit a princess’s needs?
PARIS HILTON
(sitting at table as servant brings food, explaining rather emotionally)
It wasn’t even! O…M…G, it was so totally not comfortable and junk! I was like…tossing and turning all night…and then this big rat comes up and like…starts talking to me and stuff! And I’m all like…WTF?
The KING gives the QUEEN a decisive nod. QUEEN stares at PARIS with perplexed look.
PARIS HILTON
I totally wasn’t sleeping a wink. So I was like, whateves…and I just like, went to stay in John’s room and junk.
QUEEN drops her fork mid-bite; the KING coughs on his drink.
QUEEN
(aghast)
You…you slept in the prince’s room?!
PARIS HILTON
Yeah, no, it was totally cool and junk. He is such a sweaty! And…OMG…those abs?
QUEEN
You slept…IN THE PRINCE’S ROOM?!
PRINCE walks into the dining room table with no shirt on and a glazed over contented look about him.
PARIS HILTON
(looking at PRINCE seductively)
Hey hot stuff.
PRINCE bends down, kisses PARIS’s cheek, then takes a seat at the table between the QUEEN and PARIS. QUEEN is still aghast, KING is trying to regain composure.
KING
(awkwardly jovial)
So…my son…how did you sleep last night?
PRINCE
(looking from KING to PARIS with a pleased look)
Sleep?
QUEEN
OH MY GOD! JOHN, DO NOT TELL ME YOU HAVE HAD RELATIONS OUTSIDE OF WEDLOCK!
PARIS
OMG! Don’t have a shoe or whatever! We totally didn’t do that. It was totally fine and junk.
(pauses mid-bite to think a moment)
Wait…John, what’s wedlock?
QUEEN
(screaming now)
OH MY GOD! OHMYGOD! STEPHEN! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM ABOUT THIS?!
KING
(awkwardly)
Well, I’m just glad that…our son has finally found someone he can be happy with.
JOHN
(chucking, smiling dumbly)
Yeah.
PARIS
See John? Your dad is like, a total sweaty.
PARIS gives a longing look at the KING, who pretends not to notice. The QUEEN looks perplexedly from PARIS to the KING and back again several times. Her look turns to horror.
QUEEN
(staring at king in rage)
Oh…my God! OHMYGOD! STEPHEN!!! YOU…YOU…YOU SAID YOU WERE GETTING A DRINK OF WATER!!!
PARIS
(chuckling)
Some drink of water. It’s good to be the king. And junk.
PRINCE
(questioningly)
What?
KING
(defensively)
No! I was! I…I was thirsty! I…I…
PARIS
(eating calmly)
LOL. Yeah, no, it’s totally cool. I do that sorta thing like…all the time and junk.
QUEEN
(still screaming)
YEAH! NO! IT IS NOT TOTALLY COOL!! AND JUNK!!
PARIS
(rolling her eyes)
God. Like…don’t have a shoe or whatever.
QUEEN
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! WHO TALKS THAT WAY?! WHERE DO YOU COME FROM THAT PEOPLE TALK THAT WAY?!
JOHN
(now also aghast)
Wait…did you…you bedded my father?!
PARIS
(brushing it off)
No, sillikens. I just sucked his cock a little…and stuff. No biggie.
QUEEN
(throwing plate in KING’s direction)
Get out of my house! GETOUTOFMYHOUSE!
KING
(finally losing temper)
WOMAN! YOU FORGET WHOSE KINGDOM YOU RESIDE IN! I AM THE KING AND I WILL LET ANY GIRL I CHOOSE SUCK THE ROYAL COCK!!
QUEEN
Stephen! You are a…a…
PARIS
(laughing as if suddenly hit by something funny)
Oh my God. Stephen King. I just got that. Sooooo funny.
QUEEN
YOUNG LADY! YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE WORDS!
QUEEN gets up quickly and drags PARIS away off stage. PRINCE with a disgruntled look, looks from door to KING and back again.
PRINCE
Did she…did she do that thing where…
(makes gesture with hand)
KING
(pleased)
Yes. Yes she did.
PRINCE
(also pleased)
Yeah. That was good.
They both turn their heads toward the door as they can hear the QUEEN moaning.
QUEEN
(off stage)
Oooooooh…OOOOOOOOOOH! AH! EEEEEEE! OH. Ah ah ah. OOOOOOOOOHHH. OH MY GOD! OHMYGOD! OOOH, OOOOOOOOH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD! AH AH AH AH! AAAAAAAH!
The QUEEN screams. There is a long pause, then the QUEEN walks back in, disheveled, with a drained look about her. She sits back down and starts breathing heavily. PARIS walks in after her, wipes something from her mouth, sits down, and starts eating again.
QUEEN
(out of breath)
Alright. She can stay.
KING, QUEEN, and PRINCE sigh and slump down in their seats. Lights dim until there is only a light on PARIS. A Phone rings. It is PARIS’s cell phone, which she picks up and answers.
PARIS
Hello? Oh hi sweaty. No…yeah no. OMG! There was like a witch and she tied me up, and she was totally going to eat me and junk, and, yeah! And I was all like WTF? I know, totally! Yeah no the woodsman was a total hottie. No I’m at this castle place and it’s totally cool. No you should. No you should! Nicole don’t be a bitch. Ok I love you too sweaty, buh bye!
PARIS clicks phone closed. Light goes off.
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